"4. Now the brood of Brady maketh the eight together. The patriarch Michael, namesake of the archangel himself, did realize that his betrothed hath lay with a man thrice before, and was most unclean! Carol, namesake of a winter's song to celebrate the birth of the Lord, was not a virgin at all, verily! 5. With haste, his bride was begotten to the elders, who did place her at the house of her father. Then the Bunch did stone her with stones so that she shalt die there, most unclean. 6. As patriarch of now six bastards, Michael sought the services of the spinster Alice to rear the children. No man hath ever touched the maternal crone's withered body, so the ideal choice was she as the maid of the Brady Bunch. And it was good." -Televangelists 6:4-6
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