Monday, May 30, 2011

Disciplettes 10:1-4

"1. Lest He appeareth overly pimp with His cadre of followers, the Lord did only chooseth His eight very willing Disciplettes and no more beyond them. 2. There did remain a ninth member of honorable mention, but perhaps in His great wisdom hath bade her not pure enough to service Him. 'Twas a lass by the name of Holly-Looyah, a name widely known by talent and performance. 3. To sayeth her name did naturally showeth thine "O" face, which it were most appropriate. 4. In memoriam of all good tidings, the Lord did decree His people shouteth this name, so that pleasure doth erupteth from thine own mouth, amen!" Disciplettes 10:1-4

Friday, May 27, 2011

Psalm of St. Belinda de Gogo 1:3-5

"3. In this world, we are only beginning
To understandeth the miracle of living.
My babe, 'twas I, so afraid before,
Nay, be afraid I am not, no more!

4. Lo! My babe, dost thou feel the Lord's mirth?
Behold! Heaven 'tis a place on Earth.
The Lord did spake, be it love that cometh first!
Let us maketh Heaven a place on Earth!

5. Hark! Heaven, 'tis a place on Earth!"
-Psalm of St. Belinda de Gogo 1:3-5

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Perplexodus 10:1-4

"1. For as long as hath existeth the Kingdom of Babylon, each ruler hath been chosen by the Lord. The new king, upon every instance, hath been but a babe sent as a sign to grow with His people. Hence the kingdom earneth this name, Babylon. 2. The first king did come down the river in a basket. And he was good. 3. The next king strolleth into town in some way fastened upon the back of an ass. And he was also good. 4. The next king was perhaps discarded by the Persians, who hath cast him skyward by a catapult device, adorned with a cotton canopy to floateth gently to the kingdom from above. And he was better than good, such that the Lord did bestow to Babylon a new king as a cloud from Heaven." -Perplexodus 10:1-4

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Designs of Intelligence 7:2-5

"2. And upon the third day, God caused the earth to shoot forth grass, and vegetation, and trees, and all plant life – including the cannabis plant and the coca plant and the peyote cactus. The Lord did sample these creations and saw that they were good. And they were. 3. After the sampling of these sacred plants, the Lord was exuberantly inspired. 4. He then decided to placeth the man-testicles, those sinful parts of a most sensitive and accident-prone nature, upon the outside of the man's body, hanging just so, like over-ripe figs, with no shield or protection. 5. And then the Lord went on to deviseth the birthing canal of the sinful woman, the width of which would be akin to the carrot, and the newborn babe, whom she would have to squeezeth down the carrot shoot, would be akin to the size of the watermelon." -Designs of Intelligence 7:2-5.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Misogynists 3:5-6

"5. To His followers, the Lord Jesus did confirm, that the woman can do all things that the man doth. 6. To that, he then chuckleth, 'tis still not one good idea for the woman to maketh the pee pee whilst standing upwards." -Misogynists 3:5-6

Saturday, May 21, 2011

Ballad of St. Bette 3:1-2

"1. Perhaps it was cold thar in My shadow,
Ne'er to hath sunlight on thine face,
Beautiful lamb with not a name, from thine Lord,
A beautiful smile to hide thine shame!

2. Didst thou ever knoweth I am thine savior,
The font of Chris-ti-a-ni-ty?
Ye shall flyeth higher than My eagles,
For I am the wind beneath thine wings!"
-Ballad of St. Bette 3:1-2

Monday, May 16, 2011

One Hit Wonders 19:1-4

"1. Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him, and thus began the Sermon on the Mount: 2. Jesus sang out “Hear me, my little flock, for we can partake in the dance if that is our want! We are able to leaveth thine friends behind. But why, you say! Because thine friends do not partake in the dancing, and if they do not partake in the dance, well they are no friends in mine eye. 3. Indeed, we are able to dance. We are able to dance! My little flock, everyone must look at thine hands. We are able to dance! We are able to dance! All of my flock is taking the chance! 4. Behold: it is a righteous Safety Dance! Yea, it is a Safety Dance! Indeed, a Safety Dance! A divine Safety Dance! Lo, a Safety Dance!" -One Hit Wonders 19:1-4.

Friday, May 13, 2011

Disciplettes 16:1-6

"1. As he spreadeth his message of peace, love, and jokes of the knock-knock variety, Lord Jesus hath met a ne'er-do-well apprentice to a local carpenter. 2. Astonished, as He was, how similar the history of this randy gentile was to His very own. 3. Thar liveth Jeezum Crow, the son of Gosh. With his fair mother Jeez-Louise and his brother Cripes, the family worshippeth at the [false] Temple of the Holy Mackerel in the cruelest part of the desert - the village of Heck. 4. The Lord Jesus, patron of brotherhood and love, still hath found him uncouth, and very much the opposite of Him. Thar doth live a man of only bad repute. To speak of him is to speak in vain. 5. Furthermore, Jeezum hath been decreed the patron saint of expletives. 6. Should the children of the Lord want but to lasheth out, the history of this man is sour grapes indeed." -Disciplettes 16:1-6

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Snuffaluffagus 11:8-9

"8. Upon beholding the permanent putrescence, God spake "Let there be light!" And then a match hath been lighted then promptly snuffed. 9. And it was good once again. Do this, every time, in memory of Me." -Snuffaluffagus 11:8

Monday, May 9, 2011

Snuffaluffagus 11:5-7

"5. Upon the moving of the bowels and the making of the excrement, should an unholy reek occureth, it is considered Godly to flusheth with much haste, even beforest thou commence with the wiping. Let this be known as the Ritual of the Courtesy Flush. 6. And, upon the flushing of the excrement, should small crumblets of thine sinful and unclean waste linger, ye must performeth yet another Ritual of the Courtesy Flush. 7. If thou should fail in thine Courtesies, know that ye shall be forever marked as One Who Cavorteth With Swine, those of the Most Unclean Order." -Snuffaluffagus 11:5-7.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Deliverance 2:31-35

"31. Thus Adam and Eve were fruitful and became many, as was commanded of them by the Lord. 32. And after many a year, the Lord did look down upon the progeny. And He did recoil in disgust, for that fruit was born of inbreeding and the land had become blighted with the abominations, who did delight in the hoedowns and the mullets and the moonshine and the queer-beatings. 33. And it did then occur to the Lord that He did command one man and one woman to become many, and mayhaps He should have foreseen this unsightly consequence. 34. Upon beholding their vacant stares, their lack of teeth, and their small, swine-like eyes, the Lord was moved with pity. 35. In His mercy, He saw fit to bestow upon them the banjo and the pick-up truck and the bib-overalls and the farmer's tan and Dale Earnhardt – and the people were glad and there was much rejoicing and yee-hawing." -Deliverance 2:31-35.

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Segagenesis 18:1-2

"1. Even the schoolchildren doth know that thunder be made from the Lord when he doth go bowling. And the lightning be pins falling to the world of man; and they explodeth on entry into fragments of rain. 2. Of course His will is furious and His skill is divine. Though in rare occasions He doth score but a ball in the gutter. 'Tis only the blight of man, that sometimes the world be striketh in the face by His balls, big as meteors they are! Such is the workings of God." -Segagenesis 18:1-2

Thursday, May 5, 2011

One Hit Wonders 26:1-2

"1. Blessed is he who, through the desert, wouldst walk five hundred miles, then he wouldst walk five hundred more. 2. He doth be the man who wouldst walk a thousand miles and fallest down at the door (of Heaven). Da dat da!"
-One Hit Wonders 26:1-2

Disciplettes 13:6-7

"6. The Lord Jesus hath encountered a lowly beggar outside the kitchen of soup in the village. The beggar then sayeth 'Pray to help me, for I hath not one pot to piss in!' 7. Blessed with resourcefulness, He did enter the kitchen of soup and fectheth one cast iron kettle for the beggar, to bestow this token of gratuity. And all was good, and it was." -Babs 13:6-7

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Misogynists 1:1,8

"1. Early to bed, and early to rise, maketh man healthy, wealthy and wise. 8. And for the woman? What of the woman? 'Tis nothing but a womb with legs and a head, so sayeth Me." -Misogynists 1:1,8

One Hit Wonders 29:10-13

"10. And lo! The Lord did replyeth to Joan of Osborne, saying: 'Yea, hearken to Me, yea - for I am Goodness. Yea, indeed, I am Greatness. 11. And if I, in My Goodness and Greatness, were amongst mankind, never would I appeareth as a slob. 12. And I would not haveth need of the bus, nor would I be a stranger upon it. 13. Nor would I be forced to maketh My way home, as I am the Lord, and home layeth wherever I command it to layeth.'" -One Hit Wonders 29:10-13.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Venerius-Diseasus 1:1-3

"1. Thine body is thine temple; it requireth maintenance and cleaning. Also, the temple doth remain closed for eight hours of each blessed day, this is My command. 2. The best temples attract ample visitors and is joyous indeed. But visitors doth advent the temple one by one, and never by way of the exodus-only! 3. To love thine temple is ever to maketh visitors wipeth the feet before advent, lest they leaveth unwanted dust to dust inside. Some dust itcheth, cannot be seen and never doth go away. Let us pray, keep the temple clean, in memory of Me." -Venerius-Diseasus 1:1-3

Tribulations of Jimmy 2:5-8

"5. Henceforth, let Jimmy cracketh corn, for the curse of the Cracked Corn is upon him. 6. Let him cracketh corn thrice, and thrice let the corn be cracketh. Upon the first cracking of the corn, ye shall not haveth a care. 7. Upon the second cracking of the corn, ye shall not haveth a care. 8. If upon the third cracking, ye are of a mind to care, let the curse of the Cracked Corn be forever upon ye in the stead of Jimmy, and none shall haveth a care." -Tribulations of Jimmy 2:5-8.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Disciplettes 8:16

"8. Lord Jesus, in the knowledge that the pilgrimage to Mount Sinus would be filled with long days and overly tranquil nights of somber discontent, 9. selected by His hand an elite harem of skilled professionals 10. with, by His decree, absolutely copious amounts of qualifications. 11. These chosen virgins were His loyals, they were called the Disciplettes. 12. Each Disciplette brought divine diversion to the Lord Jesus through the loneliest of lonely nights, 13. and in doing as such gained a firm thrust of His wisdom, 14. later amended to the New Testament, as each had stories to disseminate. 15. The Disciplettes, in order of height, are Destiny, Chastity, Serendipity, Felony, Velvety, Parody, Shanqueefah, and Babs. 16. Thus the eight books of the New Testament became known as the Little Black Book of the Lord." -Disciplettes 8-16 (bit)

Sonnet of Holy Moly, Mother of Goose

"Wisdom is reading, and reading is well,
Scriptures read perfectly, as one can tell,
The writ begets dictum unto the Lord,
Stark free from errors on thine accord,
Always scribe with semblance and order,
The Lord hath spake unto thee, the recorder,
The Eyes declared begets the Ease,
Lest only forthcoming after the Seas."
-Sonnet of Holy Moly, Mother of Goose