Adverbs 14:1-2

"1. In the season of the Lord I shalt not fear the reaper, neither under the sun, nor the wind, nor the rain. I shalt live like He doth. Come on, mine babe! 2. This message of rock affirmation was brought unto thee by the adverb 'solemnly.'" -Adverbs 14:1-2

Segagenesis 5:21-25

"21. With each passing day in the Garden of Eden, the sun did shineth brilliantly and the warmth of the verdurous moss did comfort the feet of Adam and Eve. 22. Looking closely, however, it did appeareth thar was trouble in Paradise! 23. After Eve did bear the fruit of Adam's loins twice, with his sons Cain and Abel, she hath expressed to him no longer was there an interest for her in the intimate relations. The sinful cow hath dismissed her wifely duties! 24. After a great frustration, Adam did proclaim his divorce of her thereto! But suddenly the Lord's voice did boom from the Heavens, that this divorce hath become the Original Sin of mankind! 25. Nervous, Adam was, for committing this first of all sins, he did instruct his sons to go forth into the world and teacheth future generations that Original Sin hath come from their sinful mother, who disobeyed the Lord instead! Furthermore, the Lord's flock did always know this foretold reason as the Word, and it was good." -Segagenesis 5:21-25

Nutrisystemicon 2:1-3

"1. From the streets to the pastures, in the kingdom of Israel, there layeth a disquiet among the people. The children of the Lord did so love the bounty of foodstuffs great and small, from as far as Phoenicia and Thebes! They were fearful of sinful gluttony, though groweth not in bigness did they at all. 2. Suddenly, the Lord spake: 'Mine flock, knoweth that diet foodstuffs are an abonimation! Thou art eating and drinking sin, thus sin is eating and drinking thee! Repent, and be saved from empty calories!' 3. Once again, His flock did knoweth tidings of comfort and joy once again, and it was good." -Nutrisystemicon 2:1-3

Adverbs 8:1-2

"1. In the Lord's benevolence and radiance I am so perfectly gay! His smile is a rainbow across the bright sky, beaming with pride and love. His power touches me deep inside, and for that I cry out with glee like the ever-faithful gaylord that I am! Pray that every day could be this gay, hallelujah! 2. This moment of reflection is brought unto thee by the adverb 'flamboyantly.'" -Adverbs 8:1-2

Misogynists 25:1-3

"1. Each mother hath said at least one time in life to her babes that they must eateth the vegetables, for there art other babes on the Lord's green earth who hath naught for vegetables at all! 2. To this, the Lord spake that mothers shalt not command this of their babes! Not a soul wants to hear this sort of speech. 3. Furthermore, if these mothers hath worry of other hungry babes around His earth, then mayhaps they ought to stayeth with bare feet in the kitchen longer and maketh more food for them as well! His word is divine, thanks be to the Lord." -Misogynists 25:1-3

Perplexodus 20:8

"8. Remembereth always the Sabbath day. This is the day of the Lord, and ever holy must it be kept. Thou shalt not perform labor of any kind, including the birth of a new babe. Also, thou shalt not toil in thine fields, sing merrily on high, purchase the tickets of scratching, or operate thine liquor store at times past five in the eve! So sayeth the Lord." -Perplexodus 20:8

Nutrisystemicon 19:4-6

"4. For God is the judge. He doth know which beverages to abase, and which to exalt. 5. For there is a cup in the hand of the Lord, and within that cup layeth Folgers. 6. And those upon the right hand of the Lord knowest that the best part of the waking hour is Folgers in thine cup." -Nutrisystemicon 19:4-6

Adverbs 11:1-2

"1. By the grace of my Lord, I am strong yet soft. With His benevolence I am firm yet supple. By His wisdom I am clean yet absorbent. As His spirit doth walk beside me, I am not one, but two ply! 2. This moment of hygienic reflection is brought unto thee by the adverb 'neatly.'" -Adverbs 11:1-2

Spalms 3:5-6

"5. Blessings and praise be unto Him, for He is my Lord of Lords. Strongest love be unto Him in my heart of hearts. He is my God, in His holy name of names. 6. A place in Heaven is there with the king of kings and the light of lights and the glory of glories and the horse of horses, of course of courses." -Spalms 3:5-6

Deliverance 16:1-2

"1. The Lord did tell the billies of the hill that the killing of His lovely animals for sport is an abomination! However, should thou kill an animal then proceedeth to eat it, well, 'tis then a sacrifice in His holy name, and it is good. 2. Thou must useth proper tools for the sacrifice, not simply runneth it down in thine pickup truck. If this should happen, useth haste and anoint the carcass with clean water and an open flame, lest thine careless sin make the sacrifice most unclean and putrefactive!" -Deliverance 16:1-2

Misogynists 21:1-3

"1. After His divine stork did deliver the newborn babes to the little village of Bethlehem, the heavenly voice of the Lord did call from above. 'Mine flock, may thine new progeny grow in glory to love and serve Me. 2. Now, for the naming of the males, useth profound words such as 'mighty' (David), 'successful' (Felix), 'flourishing' (Omar), 'crown' (Stephen), or 'strong man' (Gabriel). 3. And for the unclean females, simply useth common or unflattering words such as 'plain' (Sharon), 'garden' (Carmel), 'weary' (Leah), 'fig' (Beth), or 'gaping' (Rahab). These names will be best, so sayeth Me.'" -Misogynists 21:1-3

Numerology 6:7-9

"7. And the Lord did tell Abraham that in faith there existeth signs and numbers of which to be wary. For instance, know ye that the number six-six-six doth belong to the devil himself! 8. In grief, Abraham did ask the Lord what was His number. Sayeth the Lord: 'Why, the holy number, thusly, is seven-seven-seven. Lo! The devil hath fear of this number indeed! 9. For everyone knoweth six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine!' The Lord did laugh heartily, and it was good." -Numerology 6:7-9

Segagenesis 26:1-4

"1. As Noah did finish with the gathering of the pairs of lovely animals into the ark, including poisonous toads, microbes, woolly mammoths and deadly cobras, the Lord appeareth on the deck before him. 2. Noah learned that he must also transporteth these things called 'dinosaur bones', which the Lord did place in steerage below. Confused he was, knowing not what a dinosaur doth mean. 3. Then the Lord spake: 'A dinosaur is not a thing that Mine hands hath ever made. But when the floods at last subside, ye must bury these bones deep in Mine earth. Thine ancestors will some day findeth these bones and marvel at them. And they will knoweth that man shalt never try to grow big and powerful like Me, for that path bringeth only doom. These bones art both Mine teaching and warning.' 4. Noah did nod in understanding, and it was good." -Segagenesis 26:1-4

Designs of Intelligence 7:4

"4. On a day when all the peasants hath the want to celebrate freedom, the Lord did smile on their good cheer. His flock wanted Him to celebrate as well. They cried 'Lord! We wisheth to be with Thee on this joyous night!' And the Lord did spake 'Behold! Simply partake in the alcohol with the works of fire and ye shall see Mine Kingdom of Heaven soon enough!'" -Designs of Intelligence 7:4

Snuffaluffagus 8:6-8

"6. And the Lord did continue to tell His people of the dangers of Unclean sinners. 7. But His flock cried out: 'Lord! How shall we know if the Most Unclean are in our midst?' 8. And the Lord did impart these divine words of wisdom upon them: 'Hear Me now, little flock, so that thou will have knowledge in identifying Unclean sinners. He who hath smelt it, hath dealt it. He who hath denied it, hath supplied it. And he who hath noted it, hath floated it. Pay heed, and carry out My Justice.'" -Snuffaluffagus 8:6-8.

Adverbs 17:1-2

"1. The spirit of the Lord is a mirror inside His houses of worship, which is why ye can see thyself in them each Sabbath day. 2. This message brought unto thee by the adverb 'brilliantly.'" -Adverbs 17:1-2

Nutrisystemicon 38:7

"7. Furthermore, rinds of pork are an abomination. Seriously, Mine flock, what on Mine green earth art thou thinking?" -Nutrisystemicon 38:7

Nutrisystemicon 38:5-6

"5. Let us eat lettuce, give praise to the maize, gratify the pumpkin pie, enjoy the bok choi, worship the turnips, chant and sing to the chicken wings, and celebrate the Lord's forgiving with food and drink and much thanks giving. 6. But never shall ye feast on swine or directly to hell ye shalt go! Enjoy thine meal." -Nutrisystemicon 38:5-6

Adverbs 4:1,5-6

"1. The Lord is my strength and my virility, and without Him I am flaccid and limp...5. When I praise Him in all His glory, I am a shower, not a grower! 6. This message brought unto thee by the adverb 'gingerly.'" Adverbs 4:1,5-6

Designs of Intelligence 13:2-4

"2. Then God did spake to His flock, and He prattleth on and on about all sorts of minutiae of life and its miracles. He then did pause so some could completeth the manuscripts of His words that were to becometh this very good Book. 3. Finally, He spake one more thing: 'My little lambs, one day ye will cometh to know more complex details not in that Book - things like genetic coding, and cancer, and theories of string and of big bangs, and webs that are worldwide. 4. Ye will thinketh ye hath made them thyself, though 'twas Me who did as such, only for ye to findeth much later. Remember always, Mine flock, the world revolveth round ye, naturally, for 'tis My grandest design.' And the people did rejoice." -Designs of Intelligence 13:2-4