Thursday, June 30, 2011

Spalms 13:1-2

"1. Oh Lord, we lament unto Thee who hath suffered so for our sins. We remember Thee our Lord when we doth sin and cry out to Thee when we suffer as well. 2. When we fall and injure ourselves, or back over the mailbox, or lose with our fantasy football team, or get a tattoo that is misspelled... we lament unto Thee, oh Lord!" -Spalms 13:1-2

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Designs of Intelligence 13:2-4

"2. Then God did spake to His flock, and He prattleth on and on about all sorts of minutiae of life and its miracles. He then did pause so some could completeth the manuscripts of His words that were to becometh this very good Book. 3. Finally, He spake one more thing: 'My little lambs, one day ye will cometh to know more complex details not in that Book - things like genetic coding, and cancer, and theories of string and of big bangs, and webs that are worldwide. 4. Ye will thinketh ye hath made them thyself, though 'twas Me who did as such, only for ye to findeth much later. Remember always, Mine flock, the world revolveth round ye, naturally, for 'tis My grandest design.' And the people did rejoice." -Designs of Intelligence 13:2-4

Sunday, June 26, 2011

One Hit Wonders 27:7-12

"7. Thou hast placed the boom-boom within mine heart. Ye cast mine soul to Heaven's height when thine loving begins. 8. Bugs of Jitter enter my mind – they maketh a bang-bang-bang until mine feet are forced to follow. 9. Yet there is something amiss! Mine bosom companion did inform me of thine actions upon this past night. 10. Ye abandoned me whilest in mine bed. I was within a dream, but lo! I should have been in companionship with thine self in the stead of this dream! 

11. Awaken me afore thy go-go. Do not leaveth me hanging on in the manner of a yo-yo. Awaken me afore thy go-go. I do not desire to loose sight of thine hitting that Heaven-high! 12. Awaken me afore thy go-go, for I deviseth no plans on going solo. Awaken me afore thy go-go. Taketh me dancing upon this night, I desire to hit that Heaven-high! Yea! Yea!" -One Hit Wonders 27:7-12.

St. Barney the Dinosaur 10:1-2

"1. And later, Jesus did conclude his sermon upon the Mount, shouting: 'My flock! If thou art joyous and have knowledge of it, striketh thine hands together twice. If thou art joyous and have knowledge of it, striketh thine hands together twice. If thou art joyous and have knowledge of it, then it shall be made evident upon thine visage. If thou art joyous and have knowledge of it, striketh thine hands together twice.' 2. And the people did so, and saw that it was good." -St. Barney the Dinosaur 10:1-2.

Morning Prayer of the Gregorian Lipps of Inc

"Gotta pray and move
For my Lord who died for me,
He died and rose again,
Now I sing with St. Gregory!

Well I hark about it, hark about it,
Hark about it, hark about it...
I hark about, hark about,
Hark about improving!

Oh, won't You take me to hallowed ground!
Pray, won't You take me to hallowed ground!
Gotta move on!"

Friday, June 24, 2011

Perplexodus 20:2

"2. Thou shalt not maketh false idols of Me or any lesser being. Mine cares are naught if it rains or freezes; for if thou hath a plastic Jesus mounted to the dashboard of thine cart, then thine soul shalt be devoured. Take heed of Mine awesome power, knoweth always just how great I art." -Perplexodus 20:2

Plastic Jesus

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Segagenesis 1:2-7

"2. And upon the first day, the Lord did create the expanse of Heaven. 3. There He does sit upon His Heavenly throne, and around Him are the Seraphim, the Cherubim, and the Orphanim. 4. Much below Them in this hierarchy layeth the Archangels and the Angels. 5. And somewhere in between layeth the Bears of Caring, who dwelleth in Care-A-Lot, a land of clouds of white and roads of rainbows. 6. And below the Bears of Caring layeth their Cousins, who dwelleth in the Forest of Feelings. 7. Pay heed and know that Care-a-Lot and the Forest of Feelings layeth outside of both Heaven and Earth, yet none are very far apart." -Segagenesis 1:2-7.

Venerius-Diseasus 14:3-7

"3. Know then, that intercourse is a vile, filthy act in Mine eye - but nevertheless, necessary. Intercourse is but a means of procreation, so never shalt thou enjoy it, lest ye feel Mine wrath! 4. Ye must perform the despicable deed in the style of Missionary, with thine sinful woman-wife below thee - as she must be in all things, as she is the lowest of the low. 5. Ye must look away from one another during this lowly Act of Swine, or useth a blind-fold, so as to not bear witness to thine foulness. 6. Never shalt thou cry out, lest it be in pain! Never shalt thou performeth the experimentation of positions, lest ye be marked as Unclean Beasts! 7. There shalt be no commingling of the flesh in the Style of Dogs, the Cowgirl or the Cowgirl in Reverse, the Blossoming Flower, the Plowing of the Field, the Piledriver, the Rusty Trombone, the giving or receiving of the Jobs of Blowing or Hands, the giving or receiving of the Necklace of Pearls, the participation in the Circle of Jerking, and other such Unspeakable Acts of Depraved Mating." -Venerius-Diseasus 14:3-7.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Nutrisystemicon 4:1-2

"1. Then the Lord did spake to the people, 'tis an abomination for His flock to eateth His other flock. This art true of all the birds of prey. Thou must not eateth predatory birds, which includeth, but art not limited to, the eagle, the vulture, the falcon, the raven, the sea gull, the hawk, the owl, the cormorant,  the stork, the heron, the phoenix, the dodo, the big bird, the mothra, and probably some more. 2. Kings of the sky, these birds doth fly so mighty, and if thou hunteth them, they will combineth to form the divine Raptorbot, angel of vengeance. So shalt be done!" -Nutrisystemicon 4:1-2

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Disciplettes 12:3-5

"3. The Lord Jesus, when discussing those in His flock who hath chosen law as their field of work, said the following: It shouldst be clear that the law of Mine flock is hither in the teachings of the Lord. That the people doth require further instruction from the likes of others than I is giggity-gob-garbage. 4. Moreso, that civil claims condemned by natural forces art called 'Acts of God', well, 'tis also rubbity-rubbish. 5. Thine Lord is certainly no actor... He is the director! Thou hath an answer for all things, doth ye? 'Tis to laugh!" -Disciplettes 12:3-5

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Song of the Beati-52's 1:3-5

"3. Take it to the pulpit,
rocketh through the wilderness.
Around the sermon,
the mass beginneth like this...

4. Shalom if ye want to!
Shalom around the world!
Shalom if ye want to!
On angel's wings, the Lord reveals!

5. Shalom if ye want to!
Shalom, My little herd!
Shalom if ye want to!
With naught but the love of the Lord ye feels!"
-Song of the Beati-52's 1:3-5

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Snuffaluffagus 5:3-4

"3. And unto the men, I sayeth: After the time of urination, any more than three shakes of thine member, and thou art playing with it. Ye may become unclean in Mine eye. 4. To maketh the unclean clean, ye may dabbeth at it with a cleansing tissue."
-Snuffaluffagus 5:3-4.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Disciplettes 4:4-7

"4. And the Lord Jesus spake to His eight heavenly Disciplettes a few words of caution. First of all things, that the genitals of His women were distinctly different from His men, though the both of great import were. 5. He did present then evidence for instructional purposes, and It was good. 6. Other men, slobs He did say, were surely to understandeth naught of these differences. 'Twere simply insecurities based in fear and misunderstanding; words of fools really. That His Disciplettes and all women shalt not recoil nor knoweth shame shouldst they hear these words of men. 7. Men who wouldst calleth them 'lady bits', 'baby makers', 'vajayjays', 'coochies', 'snatches', and other nonsense, were beneath their attention. So sayeth the Lord." -Disciplettes 4:4-7

Sunday, June 12, 2011

I Love the Chosen One

Nutrisystemicon 11:20

"20. The Lord's flock shalt never feast on the winged four-legged insects, for they are an abomination. This is also true of any insect that swarms - that they are a pestilence and not any food. Even if thou swalloweth a bug whilst riding thine iron hog along the highway, thou hath committed an unthinkable sin. It is for scorn, so sayeth the Lord." -Nutrisystemicon 11:20

Friday, June 10, 2011

One Hit Wonders 3:9-10

"9. And the Lord did turn His disapproving and vengeful eye upon Sodom and Gomorrah. And to Abraham, He did say: 'Hear Me! Down amongst their wicked roads of sin, there is violence! And much toil needs to be done. 10. There is no place to hangeth their cleansed holy garments. And uponeth the sun of Heaven, not all blame can be placed – Behold! See them as they rocketh down to Electric Avenue. And then they, in their sinful ways, will taketh it higher. Lo! They will rocketh down to Electric Avenue. And once again, the sinners shall taketh it higher.'" -One Hit Wonders, 3:9-10.

Snuffaluffagus 8:21-23

"21. Know then, that it is fruitless to cough and cleareth thine throat in a most vain effort to disguise those bodily noises of an abhorrently unclean nature. 22. Those of Mine people can still heareth the foulness of thine anus, and shall snicker at thee and condemn thee for thine attempt to hide thine filth. 23. Know that it is an abominable sin when noises doth escape thine sinful parts, but an even greater sin to covereth them up, or blameth them upon the dog." -Snuffaluffagus 8:21-23.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

One Hit Wonders 4:6-10

"6. I hath thine picture, 'twas the Lord's picture. Behold a picture of Him inside Israel. 7. Then a soothsayer, did see His picture, and he commandeth that I procure one camél. 8. He did say travel up and travel down, and travel south, to holy ground. 9. Travel unto Thebes, that thou must travel unto Thebes, he really spake so. 10. Travel over seas, and then do prostrate on thine knees, the prophet spake so. 10. Honor Him, Lord Jesus, only then shall He release us from the limbo. In excelsis deo, hallelujah, amen, plácido domingo!" One Hit Wonders 4:6-10

Spalms 2:10-11

"10. Yay, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of debt, I shall fear no creditors nor collection services, for thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff of top lawyers and accountants shall surely comfort me. 11. Blessed be thy shelters of tax and funds of trust, for they are truly divine." -Spalms 2:10-11

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Segagenesis 2:2-7

"2. And on the seventh day, God did review his handywork and sayeth a good job was done. So then He did rest a while. 3. This nap, however, did last over sixty-five million years, though 'twas not but to be a power nap, so sayeth the Lord. Anyhow, during His slumber a foreign object did smite His creation and smite it hard. 5. And on the eighth day, God did go backwards in time and change a few details. His reason, He did spake, was quite simple. 6. It did matter not how many days He did use, for soon man would claim that seven days did a week maketh; and some months did have thirty or thirty-and-one days for not a reason at all. He did say man would inventeth a year of leaping, 'twas to laugh! 7. This lack of good judgment did make God's head hurt, so He did go rest once more. And it was good."

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Misogynists 12:2-8

"2. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. 3. Let NOT the woman cast any stones, for by being born a woman, she hath committed a most grievous sin. 4. If she should maintain her innocence during any accusation, let her be marked as an unclean temptress, straight from the pit of She'ol, and ye may commenceth with the stoning. 5. If she should admit to any wrong-doings and plead for mercy, let her be marked as an unclean temptress, straight from the pit of She'ol, and ye may commenceth with the stoning. 6. If she should remaineth silent, let her be marked as an unclean temptress, straight from the pit of She'ol, and ye may commenceth with the stoning. 7. If she should be dead at the time of the accusation, let her sinful body be marked as an unclean temptress, straight from the pit of She'ol, and ye may commenceth with the stoning. 8. Ye may also stone her mother and any sisters of her most heinous blood. This I do command, in My mercy." -Misogynists 12:2-8.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Venerius-Diseasus 6:12-14

"12. Whilst His only son did maketh a pilgrimage to the desert to purge all earthly desires, a letter did arrive, seemingly from none such place, to the village. 13. This letter simply stateth the following: Know ye that when-so-ever one doth manipulate thine self for thine own pleasure, a baby animal of some place shalt die. Be that ye manipulate in pleasure with thine right hand, it shall be the death of a kitten. Be that with thine left, it shall be of a lamb. 'Tis only the cutest to behold too, that is for sure. 14. Remember this, the plight of the most divine fauna shalt be thine fault, shouldst ye take thine sinful hands and rub one out. Sincerely, God."

Thursday, June 2, 2011

One Hit Wonders 9:8-11

"8. And the Lord went on to say to Moses: 'This is what you are to say to the sons of Israel – leap up for joy and move thine self all around. Shake thine head to the sound, place thine sinful hands upon the ground. Taketh a step to thine left, a step to thine right, a step in front of thee, and another to thine side. 9. Rejoice! And strike thine hands together once, and again, twice. And if it appears thusly, my sons of Israel, thou art performing correctly. A Mambo of the fifth number! 10. A small amount of Monica within Mine life; a small amount of Erica upon Mine right side; a small amount of Rita is all that I, in My wisdom, require; a small amount of Tina is all that is made clear unto Me; a small amount of Sandra, made bright in the sun of Heaven; a small amount of Mary, Mother of Jesus, throughout the long dark of night; a small amount of Jessica, lo! I have come unto thee! 11. A small amount of Mine own self makes Me a God of thee!'” -One Hit Wonders 9:8-11.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Snuffaluffagus 3:1-3

"1. The Lord did spake, though the body of man is perfect and with miraculous faculties, the mind of man knoweth not to misuse these faculties. For though man hath hands to maketh the fists, he must not hitteth other man. 2. Likewise man must not breaketh the wind by no means! 'Tis but one instance alone to doth so - when man can privately confesseth his sins to the holy porcelain bowl. 3. A good man wouldst never committeth these other sins publicly, 'tis also true of his wind. An abomination, indeed. So, pincheth thine cheeks and holdeth it in! So sayeth the Lord." Snuffaluffagus 3:1-3