Jesus, He Knows Me

Nutrisystemicon 2:1-3

"1. From the streets to the pastures, in the kingdom of Israel, there layeth a disquiet among the people. The children of the Lord did so love the bounty of foodstuffs great and small, from as far as Phoenicia and Thebes! They were fearful of sinful gluttony, though groweth not in bigness did they at all. 2. Suddenly, the Lord spake: 'Mine flock, knoweth that diet foodstuffs are an abonimation! Thou art eating and drinking sin, thus sin is eating and drinking thee! Repent, and be saved from empty calories!' 3. Once again, His flock did knoweth tidings of comfort and joy once again, and it was good." -Nutrisystemicon 2:1-3

Adverbs 8:1-2

"1. In the Lord's benevolence and radiance I am so perfectly gay! His smile is a rainbow across the bright sky, beaming with pride and love. His power touches me deep inside, and for that I cry out with glee like the ever-faithful gaylord that I am! Pray that every day could be this gay, hallelujah! 2. This moment of reflection is brought unto thee by the adverb 'flamboyantly.'" -Adverbs 8:1-2

Disciplettes 20:5-7

"5. The Lord Jesus spake to his Disciplettes of  conception, consumption, fornication, and all things immaculate. He did sayeth that His women were blessed with a carnal imperative known as the "Christ of the Passion". 6. This miracle occurreth when in the throes of coitus and bliss, the woman thinketh only to proclaim the glory of His holy name alone, and of no other man. 'Oh God!' sayeth she once, then twice, then thrice and again in a crescendo. 7. Rejoice! His work is beautiful, and it is good." -Disciplettes 20:5-7

Misogynists 25:1-3

"1. Each mother hath said at least one time in life to her babes that they must eateth the vegetables, for there art other babes on the Lord's green earth who hath naught for vegetables at all! 2. To this, the Lord spake that mothers shalt not command this of their babes! Not a soul wants to hear this sort of speech. 3. Furthermore, if these mothers hath worry of other hungry babes around His earth, then mayhaps they ought to stayeth with bare feet in the kitchen longer and maketh more food for them as well! His word is divine, thanks be to the Lord." -Misogynists 25:1-3

Perplexodus 20:8

"8. Remembereth always the Sabbath day. This is the day of the Lord, and ever holy must it be kept. Thou shalt not perform labor of any kind, including the birth of a new babe. Also, thou shalt not toil in thine fields, sing merrily on high, purchase the tickets of scratching, or operate thine liquor store at times past five in the eve! So sayeth the Lord." -Perplexodus 20:8

Televangelists 6:4-6

"4. Now the brood of Brady maketh the eight together. The patriarch Michael, namesake of the archangel himself, did realize that his betrothed hath lay with a man thrice before, and was most unclean! Carol, namesake of a winter's song to celebrate the birth of the Lord, was not a virgin at all, verily! 5. With haste, his bride was begotten to the elders, who did place her at the house of her father. Then the Bunch did stone her with stones so that she shalt die there, most unclean. 6. As patriarch of now six bastards, Michael sought the services of the spinster Alice to rear the children. No man hath ever touched the maternal crone's withered body, so the ideal choice was she as the maid of the Brady Bunch. And it was good." -Televangelists 6:4-6

Televangelists 6:1-3

"1. Hark! Here is the chronicle of a comely she-mother, who was rearing three very comely, and therefore sinful, girls. They had hair of finest gold, the ilk of their mother's, the youngest draped in curls. 2. And here is the chronicle of a Godly man whose name was called Brady. He was occupied with three male spawn, the fruit of his own loins. They were four men in all, dwelling together, and yet their loneliness did persist. 3. And it did happen that, upon a day, this she-mother met this Godly man. And they were inspired by God, to know that this fateful meeting was beyond a hunch. That this small flock would join and create a God-fearing family: It was in this manner that the small flock became the Brady Bunch. Lo! That was the manner in which they became the Brady Bunch!" -Televangelists 6:1-3

Nutrisystemicon 19:4-6

"4. For God is the judge. He doth know which beverages to abase, and which to exalt. 5. For there is a cup in the hand of the Lord, and within that cup layeth Folgers. 6. And those upon the right hand of the Lord knowest that the best part of the waking hour is Folgers in thine cup." -Nutrisystemicon 19:4-6

Chant of the Benedictine Boyz of St. G. Spot

"Lo! The south side 'tis where I be, and I hath mine boyz with me.

Can thou dig it? I present a new dance unto thee, Can thou dig? 

"Hark! I am wide. Please move thine stanky leg!

Behold! I am on the dance floor. Please move thine stanky leg!

"Shake thine hips, and with thine fingers please snap.

Now lean with it, and drop with it, move thine stanky leg!

Rejoice! And with thine hands, please clap!"

Adverbs 11:1-2

"1. By the grace of my Lord, I am strong yet soft. With His benevolence I am firm yet supple. By His wisdom I am clean yet absorbent. As His spirit doth walk beside me, I am not one, but two ply! 2. This moment of hygienic reflection is brought unto thee by the adverb 'neatly.'" -Adverbs 11:1-2

Spalms 3:5-6

"5. Blessings and praise be unto Him, for He is my Lord of Lords. Strongest love be unto Him in my heart of hearts. He is my God, in His holy name of names. 6. A place in Heaven is there with the king of kings and the light of lights and the glory of glories and the horse of horses, of course of courses." -Spalms 3:5-6

Deliverance 16:1-2

"1. The Lord did tell the billies of the hill that the killing of His lovely animals for sport is an abomination! However, should thou kill an animal then proceedeth to eat it, well, 'tis then a sacrifice in His holy name, and it is good. 2. Thou must useth proper tools for the sacrifice, not simply runneth it down in thine pickup truck. If this should happen, useth haste and anoint the carcass with clean water and an open flame, lest thine careless sin make the sacrifice most unclean and putrefactive!" -Deliverance 16:1-2

Smokey and the Spartacus

Misogynists 21:1-3

"1. After His divine stork did deliver the newborn babes to the little village of Bethlehem, the heavenly voice of the Lord did call from above. 'Mine flock, may thine new progeny grow in glory to love and serve Me. 2. Now, for the naming of the males, useth profound words such as 'mighty' (David), 'successful' (Felix), 'flourishing' (Omar), 'crown' (Stephen), or 'strong man' (Gabriel). 3. And for the unclean females, simply useth common or unflattering words such as 'plain' (Sharon), 'garden' (Carmel), 'weary' (Leah), 'fig' (Beth), or 'gaping' (Rahab). These names will be best, so sayeth Me.'" -Misogynists 21:1-3

Numerology 6:7-9

"7. And the Lord did tell Abraham that in faith there existeth signs and numbers of which to be wary. For instance, know ye that the number six-six-six doth belong to the devil himself! 8. In grief, Abraham did ask the Lord what was His number. Sayeth the Lord: 'Why, the holy number, thusly, is seven-seven-seven. Lo! The devil hath fear of this number indeed! 9. For everyone knoweth six is afraid of seven because seven ate nine!' The Lord did laugh heartily, and it was good." -Numerology 6:7-9

Segagenesis 26:1-4

"1. As Noah did finish with the gathering of the pairs of lovely animals into the ark, including poisonous toads, microbes, woolly mammoths and deadly cobras, the Lord appeareth on the deck before him. 2. Noah learned that he must also transporteth these things called 'dinosaur bones', which the Lord did place in steerage below. Confused he was, knowing not what a dinosaur doth mean. 3. Then the Lord spake: 'A dinosaur is not a thing that Mine hands hath ever made. But when the floods at last subside, ye must bury these bones deep in Mine earth. Thine ancestors will some day findeth these bones and marvel at them. And they will knoweth that man shalt never try to grow big and powerful like Me, for that path bringeth only doom. These bones art both Mine teaching and warning.' 4. Noah did nod in understanding, and it was good." -Segagenesis 26:1-4

Disciplettes 21:1-4

"1. Two of Lord Jesus' younger Disciplettes, Velvety and Shanqueefah, did lament to Him that they hath met a wizened old crone spitting lies unto them. The crone hath said that beans were indeed a magical fruit if ever there was one. 2. The Lord did then bring the Disciplettes lovingly to His bosom, and consoled them with His benediction. 3. 'Nay, though they are not some magical fruit. Verily! I say in the stead of this, that the more ye doth eat, the more ye doth toot. So forth, the more ye doth toot, the better ye shalt feel. Pray that ye doth eat beans then with every meal!' 4. The Disciplettes did smile at this bean mantra, and it was good." Disciplettes 21:1-4

Designs of Intelligence 7:4

"4. On a day when all the peasants hath the want to celebrate freedom, the Lord did smile on their good cheer. His flock wanted Him to celebrate as well. They cried 'Lord! We wisheth to be with Thee on this joyous night!' And the Lord did spake 'Behold! Simply partake in the alcohol with the works of fire and ye shall see Mine Kingdom of Heaven soon enough!'" -Designs of Intelligence 7:4

Thesauronians 1:16-18

"16. The Lord Jesus asked of His followers what it means to 'shout'. When they demonstrated to Him in loud, vulgar noises, He became dismayed. 17. 'Aye, a shout doth call for volume. Behold! I educate thee now, that the holy meaning of a shout is to feel Mine presence in thine soul, that maketh thee cry out in awe.' 18. One of His followers, Lugubrious of the village of Shlemiel, did become very confused. For all that Lugubrious could feel was indigestion from some bad gefilte fish earlier. Was this feeling really the presence of the Lord within him? Verily! He doth work in mysterious ways!" -Thesauronians 1:16-18

St. Tony of Orlando Feat. Church of Dawn

Hark! What art thou doing down there?

Rollicking alone each night,

When the Lord is always with thee?

He doth hear the music playing,

He doth feel thine body swaying.

One floor below thee,

For all that is holy,

Be not untrue...

Oh, mine darling,
Knock three times
On thine ceiling very promptly.

Twice on thine pipe
And thou would feel aglow.

Oh, mine sweetness,

(Knock, knock, knock,)
Pray so sweetly
In the hallway.
Oh, twice on thine pipe
To our Lord thou must show!

Snuffaluffagus 8:6-8

"6. And the Lord did continue to tell His people of the dangers of Unclean sinners. 7. But His flock cried out: 'Lord! How shall we know if the Most Unclean are in our midst?' 8. And the Lord did impart these divine words of wisdom upon them: 'Hear Me now, little flock, so that thou will have knowledge in identifying Unclean sinners. He who hath smelt it, hath dealt it. He who hath denied it, hath supplied it. And he who hath noted it, hath floated it. Pay heed, and carry out My Justice.'" -Snuffaluffagus 8:6-8.

St. Barney the Dinosaur 2:19-21

"19. Then the archangel did appeareth before Elizabeth and said unto her: 'Elizabeth! Though thou art a withered crone, and thine womb is barren and full of dust, ye shall beareth a son. 20. And thou shalt call his name John: John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt. For this is an ancient and powerful name! 21. And this name is mine own name, too! And upon every travel thy undertake, the peoples of this land shall shout: Behold! There passes John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt!'” -St. Barney the Dinosaur 2:19-21.

Adverbs 17:1-2

"1. The spirit of the Lord is a mirror inside His houses of worship, which is why ye can see thyself in them each Sabbath day. 2. This message brought unto thee by the adverb 'brilliantly.'" -Adverbs 17:1-2

Thesauronians 1:1-2

"1. The Lord Jesus giveth all words for the language of His people. And when He useth the same word another time, then so be it. As Biblical words they hath far more important usage than of common speak. 2. The first word the Lord did use twice was 'host'. No longer was a host merely an entertainer of guests. Henceforth the host is most importantly known as the Body of the Lord in convenient, tasteless wafers for His Eucharist, or for trips of great length in thine cart with the young ones." -Thesauronians 1:1-2

Nutrisystemicon 38:7

"7. Furthermore, rinds of pork are an abomination. Seriously, Mine flock, what on Mine green earth art thou thinking?" -Nutrisystemicon 38:7

Nutrisystemicon 38:5-6

"5. Let us eat lettuce, give praise to the maize, gratify the pumpkin pie, enjoy the bok choi, worship the turnips, chant and sing to the chicken wings, and celebrate the Lord's forgiving with food and drink and much thanks giving. 6. But never shall ye feast on swine or directly to hell ye shalt go! Enjoy thine meal." -Nutrisystemicon 38:5-6

Canticle of the Church of Nu'Thang

Adverbs 4:1,5-6

"1. The Lord is my strength and my virility, and without Him I am flaccid and limp...5. When I praise Him in all His glory, I am a shower, not a grower! 6. This message brought unto thee by the adverb 'gingerly.'" Adverbs 4:1,5-6

Disciplettes 18:1-3

"1. As the Lord Jesus prepared to leaveth for The Last Brunch with His voluptuous Disciplettes, they did ponder how to get to the banquet. Some suggesteth walking or driving thar, to which He doth replied: 2. 'Behold! Mine babes, I cannot walk for if it doth rain Mine body would spoil being made of bread. And I cannot drive for I am over thine legal limit with Mine blood being made of sacramental wine.' 3. So the Disciplettes did order take-out. And it was good." -Disciplettes 18:1-3

Televangelists 22:6-10

"6. At the closing of the Last Supper, the disciples did beseech Jesus, lamenting: 'Oh Lord! Who shall lead us in thine stead, when thou leavest this mortal life?' 7. And Jesus did smile and was moved to comfort his apostles. 8. He spake: 'I shall leaveth the charge in the hands of Charles. Charles, the new apostle in our midst, who liveth down the stairs, and it is known: his only task is to taketh care and watch over thee, as though he is of thine own family. 9. Yea, Charles! In charge of thine days and thine nights! Lo, Charles! In charge of thine wrongs and thine rights.' 10. And the apostles did rejoice as one, crying: 'Verily! I sing, I desire – I desire Charles in charge of me!'" -Televangelists 22:6-10.